Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
