I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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