Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This baby is an asshole
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
