By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
