Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
