i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
