and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
