I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
