I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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