I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
