Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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