drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
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Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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