Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
