I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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