I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
