Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.