i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.