So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
well, you know. whores of a feather.