I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
