Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
