If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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