These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
