Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
