One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
