Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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