im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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