I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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