I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
