I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
