just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
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