Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
