i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
