My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
