I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
