So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
