Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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