tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
