So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
