I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
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I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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