Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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