Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
MIDGETS
????
Damn victory sex feels great
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
