god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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