so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
