Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
