So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
