Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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