omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you had me at cake vodka
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
