my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
