Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
