Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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