Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
