I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Be still, my beating vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Randomize
