Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
