I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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