There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
