i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
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i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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