A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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