I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
